


Close Together

by RoArts



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Logan and Patton are dorks, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Roman Angst, Roman needs a hug, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Blame, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Virgil is happy to provide, pushing people away
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 12:17:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17560247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoArts/pseuds/RoArts
Summary: *A/N*Trigger Warning: Depressing thoughts, mentions of self harm.I will put individual warnings where necessary.-------The sides hadn't been spending much time together recently, only Logan and Patton were spending much time together outside of their respective rooms.Roman...Roman just wasn't feeling his usual glittery self, and he didn't know why; well, he did but he wouldn't tell anyone that.And Virgil, well, he barely came out of his room anyway, but this, this was unusual.The whole mindscape was off, and while Virgil was usually the one to get the blame, the sides knew that wasn't it. It wasn't all him...someone else was feeling worse than Virgil...how was that possible?And who was it?





	1. Worthless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my very first fic, so I apologise if it sucks. Anyway, enjoy! 
> 
> TW: Depressing thoughts, panic attack, some capitalisation, mild swearing.

**Virgil's POV -**

I've been really worried about Roman recently, I mean sure, I ain't doing so hot either, but this...this isn't like Roman, he's the fanciful side for crying out loud. _I'M_ meant to be the one with all of the bad thoughts and feelings...not him.

I need to speak to him, even if he doesn't want to speak to me, I need to at least check on him and see him with my own two eyes to put my mind somewhat at rest. I hope he's ok...

I stood up, took my headphones off and headed towards the door, remembering how long that I had been in there; it was a long time, that's all I knew.

Pushing my thoughts aside, I stepped out into the hallway and immediately knew that something was _VERY_ wrong with one of the other sides, the mindscape was darker than usual, not enough for others to notice, but it was enough for me.  

I look over to the couch and see Logan and Patton giggling to each other whilst watching a movie. _HOW_ are they not worried about Roman. Ugh..the dorks. 

Noting down in my head to talk to those two dorks later about this, I make the conclusion that it is in fact Roman that is causing most of this. 

I obviously have some part to play but I know that's it's not me that's causing this. How? Well, Thomas hasn't came up with a single idea for a video in weeks... _weeks_ , and that, that is Romans forté. 

Shaking the thoughts from my head, I continue down the hall to Romans room. I stop outside his door and just listen for a second. It's so quiet. No Disney music. No annoying singalongs. _Nothing._

I go to knock on the door but I hesitate; is that Roman, crying. I could hear faint whimpers through the door though they started to get louder, which only made me get more worried.

That's it I'm knocking. Now I could literally hear violent sobbing through the door. I need to get in there.

"Roman, are you ok?" I ask as I quickly knock on the door. No reply.

"Roman answer me!" I shout. No reply. I hate just walking into someone's room, especially without permission, but it has to be done. "Alright I'm coming in!" I exclaimed, I turn the door handle, hands shaking with worry, and open the door.

I walk into his room and I...I just freeze. How bad is he feeling? This room looks worse than mine. All of the colour is gone, all of the scripts are ripped up and all of his Disney dvds were cracked. I just stood there. Frozen at the sight I had just seen.

 

**Romans POV -**

The others are getting suspicious, I know they are, but I just cannot bring myself to leave my room. I cannot just pretend that I am fine and wipe all of my misery away with a half-assed fake smile like I normally do. It's gone too far this time.

Virgil is very worried about me, I know that, and it really really pains me to know that I am hurting him...I don't mean too, but it seems that's all I'm good at. Hurting people.

I don't know, ever since Thomas had that bad audition a while ago I haven't felt...I haven't felt like my usual glittery self since then.

I cast my mind back to that day. Everyone blamed Virgil for the reason why Thomas was so 'anxious', but it wasn't him, it was me. I'm the one that messed up. I forgot the lyrics. I screwed up the dancing. It was my fault. I'm a failure...and I didn't even stand up for Virgil. He probably hates me now. The very thought made me tear up.

I never meant to hurt him...god, I love him for crying out loud, not that I'd ever tell him that. I can never get things right, not even once. All those times I had hurt Virgil, the petty arguments, the nicknames, the jokes, the satire remarks. How can he NOT hate me. _Even I hate me._

I notice that I have started sobbing, not realising that I had been sobbing the entire time.

_'You know you don't deserve Virgil, your worthless. You're a failure. You can't even come up with ideas, you're creativity, if you can't do that what can you do? If Virgil hates you, the others must as well, I mean who wants to put up with your Princey personality,  even you hate it.'_ My thoughts ran wild. I am worthless. I am a failure. I can't come up with ideas. They all hate me...they hate me...they hate me...

I repeated the thought in my head and quickly lost the ability to breath, not again, what's going on, what is this, what's happening? As I am moving to a more closed in spot in my room, I trip and fall to the floor, unable to get up.

I can't breath, I can't walk, I'm shaking, I'm panicking. I don't know what to do. _Help...help...help...helphelphelp..._

All of a sudden I hear a knock at the door along with a voice.

"Roman, are you ok?" It was Virgil. I try to reply but it seems I cannot speak either. All that comes out are more, even louder, sobs. 

"Roman answer me!" I flinch at the loud noise. Oh no, now he's angry, god Roman you are an idiot. I once again try to choke out words but again only sobs came out.

I lie there, unable to move, unable to breathe, and unable to talk. Helpless.

"Alright I'm coming in!" I hear. Oh no, he can't see me like this. He can't see my room like this. He'll think I'm weak. _Nonononononono..._

It's too late. I try to look up at Virgil but I have lost my strength. He doesn't seem to have noticed me yet. Probably shocked at the sight of my room to be honest.

 

**Virgil's POV -**

I snap myself out of it and my eyes shoot around the room looking for the fanciful side. I could feel the anxiety radiating from him, but I couldn't see him. Desperate to find him I shoot over to the other side of the room and flick my eyes down.

Oh no. This isn't good. Romans having a panic attack. A bad one at that. What could've caused a panic attack this bad. I didn't know the others could even get panic attacks. 

I rush down to his side and start speaking to him. 

"Hey, hey Princey. You're fine. Everything's ok. Just try to take a deep breath." No luck, he's just getting worse. 

"God Princey come on just breath, p-please just breathe. Take deep breaths," I say, silent tears slipping from my eyes.

Nothing I say is working so I pull the distressed Prince into a hug.

"Just t-try to follow my breathing, slow and steady." I hope this works.

He's starting to calm down. Thank god it worked, I was worried that he was going to pass out from loss of oxygen.

I keep him in a hug, not letting go until he feels like he can breathe on his own again.

 

**Romans POV -**

I try to choke out 'help me' but it doesn't work. All of a sudden, I see Virgil shooting across the room, quite clearly looking for me. He spots me and immediately sits down beside me, trying to help me calm down, but all I hear is, "God Princey, come on just breathe, p-please just breathe." I try to breathe but it doesn't work. Virgil is trying his hardest but he seems to be running out of things to do. _Please help!_

My thoughts are cut off with a hug and a soft voice, "Just t-try to follow my breathing, slow and steady." He said, with clear worry and panic in his own voice.

I do what he tells me too and I copy his breathing. It's working, it's getting easier to breathe. I still feel close to passing out, but at least I can breathe now.

I pull away from the hug and quietly whisper, "Thank you" to Virgil. I try and stand up but dizziness rushes to my head and I fall straight back down again. I guess I can add being a clutz to the list reasons why people hate me.

 

**Virgil's POV -**

He's ok. He's breathing. He's ok. Thank god. 

I hear a small "Thank you" as he pulls away from the hug.

"No problem" I reply, probably so quiet that he probably didn't even hear me. 

Before I have the chance to tell him to stay on the floor for a bit incase he gets dizzy, he's trying to stand up. I didn't even have a chance to grab him before he fell. 

"Sorry" he says.

"No, don't be. Just be quiet for a second, chill out, catch your breath. But don't be sorry, it's not you fault." I say, attempting to show him that I'm not annoyed. He still hasn't even looked me in the eye yet.

It's quiet. Too quiet. But where do I start?

"You know we can talk about it if you want?" I say, breaking the uncomfortable 10 minute long silence, hoping for a reply.

 

**Romans POV -**

"Sorry" I mutter, feeling guilty that Virgil was here comforting me. He probably had better things to do.

"No, don't be. Just be quiet for a second, chill out, catch your breath. But don't be sorry, it's not you fault." He expressed, with a somewhat disappointed tone.

I don't know how to reply to him. That's not what I was expecting. He's not mad or annoyed. He sounds...worried?

We sit in silence for about 10 minutes until Virgil speaks up, "You know we can talk about it if you want?" I look up at him for the first time during this whole ordeal and the look on his face breaks my heart. His eyeshadow has streaked all down his face and the look of worry and disappointment in his eyes hurt me. 

He really wants me to talk to him. He wants to help me. "Yeah, I guess..." I softly reply, not wanting to disappoint Virgil.

 

_Here we go..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. Also, updates should be daily as I am not that busy so if I cannot post one day for some reason, I will let you know. See ya guys, girls and non-binary pals. Peace!


	2. Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may seem like a lot gets repeated between the two different POVs but believe me, it's important.  
> 
> Trigger Warning - Depressing thoughts, mentions of self-harm, caps lock, slight panic attack.

**Virgil's POV -**

That was...unexpected. I was not expecting him to agree to speaking to me about what got him in this position in the first place.

"Oh, okay. Well how about we get you up onto the bed, huh Sir-Sing-alot?" I say, in a desperate attempt to lighten the mood, even if it is only for a couple of seconds.

"Yeah...I suppose..." I frown at how...empty he sounds. It's like there's nothing left.

I get up first to offer Roman my hand to help him get up without falling right back down again; good thing I did too cause he almost fainted right there and then.

What happened to him? What has caused him to feel so...drained?

I walk over to the bed and carefully sit Roman down, only sitting down myself when I'm sure he won't fall off of the bed.

That was it. He didn't say a word. For 15 minutes. His facial expression flicking between sheer horror and completely unreadable. I didn't dare leave him here like this. So I'll just sit and wait for him to speak.

**Romans POV -**

"Oh, okay. Well how about we get you up onto the bed, huh Sir-Sing-alot?" I could tell that he was trying to lighten the mood. It didn't work though.

"Yeah...I suppose..." Wow Roman, that was one hell of a half-assed reply. Well, he already hates you anyway.

Virgil got up and gave me his had but I declined at first. That was of course _before_ I almost fainted. I took his hand weakly and went to the bed.

Virgil sure is worried about me. He only went and sat down himself after me convincing him that I won't fall over. Maybe he does care.

_'No Roman._ _Can't_ _you see its all an act._ _He's_ _toying with you. He doesn't actually care...'_

I try and shake away the thoughts but they just come back even stronger than before.

I remembered every single time that I have ever hurt Virgil.

_'You hurt him. Why would he help you? You_ _don't_ _matter to him. You_ _don't_ _matter to anyone. YOU DESERVE THIS CREATIVITY'_

"NO. MY NAME IS ROMAN!" I scream at the top of my lungs almost scaring poor Virgil to death.

"Woah, woah Princey what's wrong?" Ohh boy. This is going to take _alot_ of explaining.

"Oh, sorry Virgil. Nothing is wrong, I'm fine. Really." That was not very convincing Roman, you idiot.

"I know you're lying Princey. Tell me." He's right. I should tell him, he does deserve to know after all, he did help me.

"Fine. What do you want to know?" I say, clearly upset, and not very amused.

"First of all; has this happened before Roman? And don't even think about lying to me." That was...stern. Is he mad, or worried?

"I-I...y-yes, it has..." I trail off sounding as quiet as humanly possible. I should've told him before this...

"Roman..."

"I know, I know I should've told you but...but..." I can't say it. I can't. He's gonna need to figure it out by himself.

"But, what Roman? You can tell me anything, you know that..." He thinks I don't trust him...

"Oh Virgil..." And that's it. I broke down.

"I-I-I don't d-deserve you guys Virgil, I'm worthless. I'm a f-f-failure. I-I can't even come up with ideas, a-and thats my job. I-i-if I can't do t-t-that what can I do? T-Thats why I h-hate being called...it's why I hate being called creativity. It reminds me of how worthless I am..." I pause for a moment, thinking through what I'm about to say.

"I-I...I-I KNOW YOU HATE ME VIRGIL...I know. The o-others p-probably hate me too, I mean who wants to put up with my Princey personality, even I hate it." I don't know what to do. What will he say?

At this point I am violently sobbing and...I don't know what hell think. He's going to think that I'm weak...

"Look, I don't blame you guys for hating me." I say, the pain in my voice very clear.

"Even _I_ hate me..." I thought...

**Virgil's POV -**

"NO. MY NAME IS ROMAN!" To say that I almost had a heart attack would be an understatement. I shift my focus to Roman.

"Woah, woah Princey what's wrong?" What on earth was that? Is he ok?

"Oh, sorry Virgil. Nothing is wrong, I'm fine. Really." For an actor, he _really_ needs to work on his lying skills.

"I know you're lying Princey. Tell me." He's gotta do better than that if he wants to fool me.

"Fine. What do you want to know?" I know he doesn't want to talk about it but I need to know why this happened, and if it has happened before. I won't press too much on what it's about though.

I mean surely he would've told us, right? If it has happened before, are they all as bad as this? He's suffering...alone.

"First of all; has this happened before Roman? And don't even think about lying to me." That sounded a bit more stern than I wanted it to, but I'm so worried about him right now.

"I-I...y-yes, it has..." My heart sinks as soon as I hear the reply.

"Roman..." I open my mouth to say something but I'm quickly cut off.

"I know, I know I should've told you but...but..." Oh no, he's getting upset again.

"But, what Roman? You can tell me anything, you know that..." Does he not trust me?

"Oh Virgil..." And then he broke down.

"I-I-I don't d-deserve you guys Virgil, I'm worthless. I'm a f-f-failure. I-I can't even come up with ideas, a-and thats my job. I-i-if I can't do t-t-that what can I do? T-Thats why I h-hate being called...it's why I hate being called creativity. It reminds me of how worthless I am..." Is that...is that how he always feels, worthless?

"I-I...I-I KNOW YOU HATE ME VIRGIL...I know. The o-others p-probably hate me too, I mean who wants to put up with my Princey personality, even I hate it." That one hurt. I mean _really_ hurt. He thinks we hate him. He thinks _I_ hate him.

"Look, I don't blame you guys for hating me." Oh Roman...

"Even _I_ hate me..." W-What...did he...oh...OH. But he's the ego, he can't hate himself, can he? God I hope not...I hope this is all a lie.

"Don't say that Roman, we don't hate you. _I_ don't hate you." Please let him believe me.

"I-I can't deal with it anymore Virgil...it hurts. It h-hurts so much..." I let him finish his sentence before pulling him into a hug. He seemed startled at first, but then he loosened up.

Whilst hugging him, I noticed that he was fiddling with his sleeves. He was wearing his usual prince outfit, though it was torn and dirty. You could tell he hadn't done anything for days.

This has really taken a toll on him, I hate seeing him hurt like this. I may be anxiety but this...this is different. He isn't anxious. This isn't anxiety.

Is he...no he couldn't be that's not...him...he knows how...bad that is. Right? I'll ask about it later.

I pull back from the hug and I can see that Roman is trying to compose himself.

"Ro, can I ask you another question?" I say with an ounce of hope but also worry in my voice.

"Y-Yeah, go ahead" He isn't very enthusiastic about this, but I need to make sure he's ok.

"Have you ever, and I mean ever, passed out because of this for any reason?" Not sure how clear of an answer I'm going to get but it's worth a shot. After all, this is the only semi-discreet way of asking about his fiddling earlier.

**Romans POV -**

"Don't say that Roman, we don't hate you. _I_ don't hate you." Oh, I said that out loud...oops.

I wish I could believe him. Really, I wish I could. But I can't. It hurts...it really hurts.

"I-I can't deal with it anymore Virgil...it hurts. It h-hurts so much..." No, I'm crying again, damn it. I flinched as Virgil pulled me into a hug but I quickly settle in his arms as I start to calm down.

I can see my sleeves start to roll up as I move slightly. I fiddle with my sleeves in order to keep my arms hidden. Hopefully he didn't see that because if he did, he'd know something was up.

We pulled back from the hug, and part of me wishes it lasted just a minute longer.

I start pulling myself together when I hear Virgil asking me a question.

"Ro, can I ask you another question?" Oh, he wants to know more. That's ok...I guess.

"Y-Yeah, go ahead" I really, _really_ hope he doesn't ask what I think he's going to ask.

"Have you ever, and I mean ever, passed out because of this for any reason?" I know exactly what he's concerned about. Dammit, he must've saw me earlier. I'm not lying to him though. As much as I don't want to answer that question, he'll get his answer at one point or another.

"I uhh...yeah...yeah I have." He gonna ask me why isn't he...

"When, where and why?" There it is...

"Uh I...let me explain..." I hate everything about this.

 

_You can do this Roman..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger, ohhhhhh!
> 
> Not really, the next chaper will be out in like 10 minutes. Anyway, I know this might not be very good, or the POV is messed up in some places, or some parts of the story don't make much sense, but I love it and I hope you guys do too.


	3. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T.W - Depressing thoughts, panic attack, mild description of self-harm, passing out, brief capitalisation, mild swearing.

**Romans POV -**

I look over to Virgil and see a worried look on his face. He's going to hate me for this but he deserves to know.

"The first time I passed out was a couple of months ago. I had passed out on my way to the bathroom." That was a slight lie but the truth hurts.

"The last time I passed out was like 2 days ago. That time I passed out on the floor beside my bed." There, I told him. I just hope he doesn't realise I didn't say why.

"Why Roman? Why did you pass out? I promise I won't be mad." I glance up at him, expecting to see disappointment in his eyes, but instead I see sympathy and sadness.

"I uhh..." I can't tell him. I can't tell him. I can't tell him.

"No. I'm not telling you." That sounded a bit more emotional than I was going for but my point still stands. I can't tell him...

"Then show me..." He said softly. "I-I uh w-what?" He...he knows. He knows... How does he...how does he know...

I nod and reach for my sleeves as a few silent tears flow down my face. I completely roll up my sleeves and just sit there...in silence.

To be honest, I don't expect him to say anything. This would shock anyone to the point of no words. They thought I was ok.

I don't think I know what to say to him either to be honest.

 

**Virgil's POV -**

I'm worried. Really worried. I'm already pretty sure I know why he passed out from observation, but I don't want to believe it.

"The first time I passed out was a couple of months ago. I had passed out on my way to the bathroom." MONTHS AGO! How did he...how did he hide it for this long? How did I not know? It's fine Virgil, maybe it was just a coincidence.

"The last time I passed out was like 2 days ago. That time I passed out on the floor beside my bed." TWO DAYS AGO...nope, not fine...how did I not know?

Anyway, he told me. He ACTUALLY told me. He still didn't tell me _why_ he passed out though.

"Why Roman? Why did you pass out? I promise I won't be mad." I feel so, so bad for him. I can see that he doesn't want to talk about it but he needs to. I need to know how bad it is.

"I uhh..." He's not going to tell me is he?

"No. I'm not telling you." Thought so. I need to rethink this...

"Then show me..." I hope this works. If it doesn't, I'll find out myself. Shit, I hope I'm wrong...

I watch him carefully as he hesitantly rolls up his sleeves. I knew it. I _knew_ it. But... _why_?

I freeze.

"Y-You... _why_ Roman? _Why_ did you do this?" I ask with a soft and shaky voice. What could bring him to do something like this, and more importantly...how did we not know?

"You could've...Y-You could've **died** Roman don't you-" I was cut off right in the middle of my sentence.

" _ **I KNOW VIRGIL**_...I-I know. I know what could happen. But I just...it helps ok." I'm not too sure what to say now. What are you _meant_ to say in a situation like this?

"Helps what Roman? Please, you can trust me."

He sits there for a while. He looks like he thinking about whether or not to answer that question.

All of a sudden I hear him speak up.

"I-It helps me..." He hesitates for a second.

"It helps me to forget, _alright._ It helps me to forget about all of the mistakes I've made. To forget how much of a horrible person I am. To forget about how worthless I am. To forget about how I'm a failure because I can't come up with ideas. To f-forget that e-everyone hates me. To forget that I'm _b-broken_. To for-forget-" He was cut off by his own choked sob and quickly descended into a spiral of continueous tears and panic. I reached out and pulled him into my lap and he clung to me like his life depended on it as he sobbed into my chest and heaved in breaths.

"You're ok Roman, just follow my breathing alright?" I recieve a small nod and a broken 'ok' through the tears.

"Ok that's great Roman, just follow my breathing. Breathe in for four seconds." I said softly to try and calm him slightly. I see him try, then shake his head furiously and mutter out 'c-ca-can't' as he begins to panic more due to his inability to calm his breathing.

"It's ok Roman we'll get there, you'll be ok, just try again." I can see him breathe in and calm slightly as he is able to do it for four seconds. Instead of speaking, I tap out the sequence on his back with one had as I used the other to keep him in a comforting hold.

After a while I can see that he has calmed down and the only noises that fill the room are heavy breaths and quiet sniffles.

"You know Roman," I spoke up and he looks up at me, but I can't look him in the eye or I won't be able to say any of this, so I look straight ahead instead, "you're way too hard on yourself. _So what_ if you've made some mistakes when you've clearly learn't from those experiences. Just because you were cruel in the past, doesn't mean you are a horrible person now; That is all in the past Roman, we've both moved past that." I get more and more passionate as I continue on, not even stopping to give Roman a chance to speak before I started talking again. "And Roman, don't... _don't you dare_ say that you are worthless. You are not a failure just because you can't come up with ideas, that isn't you're only purpose Roman. You make all of us extremely happy. Patton with your shared love of puns and puppies. Logan with...well I'm not too sure actually, but he has told me personally that he appreciates your presence. You aren't broken simply because you're feeling like this Roman, you're allowed to feel bad you know. " Before I continue on, I hesitate slightly, which Roman seems to pick up on, so he speaks up.

"What about you? Do I make you happy?" He questioned in a small, broken voice.

I took a deep breath and spoke up again, "Yes Roman, you do. Everything about you makes me happy. Your laugh, your smile, the way you get really passionate about things you enjoy, the fact that you would do absolutely _anything_ for your family. You Roman, make me so, so happy." I finished off with a shy smile on my face.

That, however, is quickly replaced with concern as I look down to see silent tears rolling down Romans cheeks again, and I worry that I said something wrong, but I can see the small smile on his face and the look of sadness replaced by one of utter disbelief, so I push that thought away, and before I know it he is crying into my chest again.

I keep a protective hold on him as he mumbles out a string of 'thank you's' between his muffled cries. After a while, when the tears had stopped, he finally spoke up, "Th-Those were happy tears Virge. Nobody has ever s-said anything like that to m-me before. Thank you Virgil. Truely, you do not understand how much I needed to hear that." He looked me in the eye and gave me a soft smile before hugging me a little tighter, then letting go.

He opens his mouth as if he is going to speak again, but then he just closes it and sighs. "I-I...I uhh...Virge there's some-something I need to tell you...about when I passed out." He says in a quiet tone, fumbling over his words, trying to find the right thing to say.

"What's up Ro?" I ask with concern lacing my voice.

"It's about my arms."

 

_Oh Ro..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really proud of this chapter, I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> See ya next chapter.


End file.
